There's a rainbow after the rain

Im in manila na. I got home monday last week. I just got back my laptop from kirt. he brought it home from helsinki because i wasnt allowed to carry anything heavy for my carry-on baggage. this is the Nth boring day in my life! god i miss working... well as of the moment i do miss working because i havent been doing anything here at home except to sleep, eat and watch tv. what a boring life! i guess i havent just learned how to enjoy idle time. who would ever enjoy staying at home with nothing to do??? geeks probably... hahaha.

my business class trip going home to manila was the best. the longest walk i can remember on my way home was when i got off from the taxi going to the check-in counter in the helsinki airport. that was the longest! most of the time im either on a wheelchair or onboard a golfcar going to places in the helsinki, frankfurt and manila airports. The food in the plane was so good. They even give you a menu to choose your food. then i have my own tv panel where i watched Garfield The Movie, Lizzie McGuire, Hidalgo, etc. Pasensha na... it was my first time to be on business class. The six hours wait in the frankfurt airport was not so long because the lufthansa official asked me to have a check-up with the airport clinic. It so happened that there were so many people in the clinic so i had to wait for two hours for my turn. I also stayed in the business class lounge. I just slept for the remaining 4hours of my wait.

HH fetched me from the airport. mom and pop were also there. we had dinner at gerry's grill at jupiter. when we got home, HH and i had a long and dramatic talk. Ive made my decision... I asked HH to make a decision on how our relationship should be. I told him that I cannot guarantee that things will be easy with me. I also cannot guarantee that we will live a blissful life together. I also told him that I will be a hypocrite if id deny the fact that i am still inlove with someone. and after telling him all those things, he said he is still willing to risk it all. He is still willing to love me with all his heart even if he knew that he is sharing me with someone else. I know HH loves me so much and is willing to embrace everything about me even all my flaws and shortcomings. I feel so lucky for having him and i just cant understand myself why i cannot love this person as much as someone which in fact, HH deserves to be loved like that. Maybe things are just not meant to happen. Maybe i am destined to love someone but be with somebody else. Destiny hasnt been kind to me eversince. In life, you really cannot have it all. I may have a great career... a loving family... great friends... but not the person i truly love.

I have been psyching myself on forgetting someone. I have been trying hard not to start communicating with him. I just got an email from him the other day that he just got out of the hospital a couple of days ago and he'll just write me a longer email when he has time. talking about the devil... I realized i deserve attention and time. I love someone but he cannot love me the way i want him to... or not even the way he is supposed to. as what the essay i have posted earlier stated, it is easy to say that you love someone but it is so hard to commit. That essay perfectly fits my situation with someone. He is telling the truth when he said that he loves me. I believe him. But the problem is, he's not ready to commit. Maybe I just pushed him to commit when we talked last month. Btw, it was our first monthsary last Sept.6. Anyway, he's a busy man but if he really wants a commitment with me, he should make time for it. I dont know if i should still believe his excuses when he says that he doesnt have time. Or maybe he's telling the truth that he doesnt have time... he doesnt have time to spend on someone who's willing to wait for him forever. Maybe he thinks BG will always be there so no matter how much i neglect her today, she will still be there when i find some free time in the future. hayy... sad.... I dont know. I love him but right now i need somebody to cling on to while i am in the process of healing... both physically and emotionally. The pain of him hurting me is more painful than that of my stitches. I am really glad HH is here.

There's a rainbow after the rain. I really hope there is....