Favorites...

1. weather?
cold weather

2. place sa haws?
kitchen, bedroom

3. pet?
dog -- planning to buy one

4. breed?
shar-pei, shih-tzu

5. holiday?
christmas

6. subject?
math?!

7. music?
senti

8. country?
sweden

9. attire?
jeans, shirt, sneakers

10. color?
black, white

OTHER QUESTIONS:

1. maganda ba sa pinas?
yeah... in fairness.

2. gusto mo ba mag migrate sa ibang bansa?
yeah... somewhere in europe

3. bakit?
i dont think i will have a good and comfortable future here

4. kung meron kang 15 seconds para sabihin dun sa taong mahal mo na maiiwan dahil punta ka sa abroad, anong sasabihin mo?
pack your bags, im not leaving without you.

5. may mhal k ngaun diba?
yeah

6. bkit mo sya mhal?
what a question?!

The Serenity Prayer

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

Im blogging while waiting for the doctor to arrive. great way of spending free time...hehe. anyway, mom wanted me to visit the doctor today even if my wound has already closed. she thinks that i might need more medical attention because my sickness just comes up unexpectedly so she said that it's better to always take precaution. I did not arrive as early as i should so i am the second patient. i need to wait for my turn. naku! i really hate waiting. i still have to go to office after my checkup and i promised my boss that ill be in the office after lunch. it seems like ill be late today.

i spoke with my bestfriend yesterday. for your information, my bestfriend never liked the architect for me. they were like mortal enemies because my bes thinks that the architect is full of hoax and he will never ever be honest to me. if i remember right, there was even a time when my bestfriend fought with the architect and asked him to stay away from me. that was the first time the architect and i broke up. ok, ok... enough with the past. until now, my bes hasnt gotten over her anger towards the architect. i never told my bes that the architect and i got together when i was in helsinki. white lies... i just didnt want her to fly to cebu and kill him. hehehe. i told her yesterday that i want to see the architect. she cant believe that after all those years, i was still stupidly loving that a******. ok, ok.. that's how she calls him! then my besfinally said that if seeing him is the only thing that can make me move on, then i should face it. the question is, am i really ready to move on after seeing him?

it's so difficult to put a period(.) into something that means so much to you. and it so hard not to let that period become a series of periods(...) which meant you're still waiting for the next things to come. i dont want to end up feeling bitter about him just because things did not work out for us. as much as possible, if our relationship is not meant to work, i would want at least to be friends with him. it's the least thing i would ask from him. who wouldnt want to be friends with an ex right? except if you really have a bad break up! We're old enough and we both know that we should understand each other even if things dont end up the way we want them to be.

Brain drain

My cousin, karen, got an email from the architect asking her if she wanted to pursue an advertising career in cebu.(read: the architect has an advertising firm) It so happened that my cousin is planning a career move since she's really all fed up with her callcenter job. Saturday night, karen and i have been discussing about that career move. We were planning where she's going to stay in cebu if ever she gets hired. we figured out that she has to stay at our lolo's house in pardo for a while until she finds an apartment for her. my cousin is not used to living alone and i dont think her parents will agree about her living alone. so i guess she has to find someone to share her apartment with... no boys please!?! i was telling her if i could just find a job as good as my current job or even better in cebu, i wouldnt mind migrating and then we could share the apartment. ok, those are just plans. i am still hoping it will materialize soon. hmmm.. as if it's that easy to get a nice, elegant, less stressful, great paying job in cebu?!

first thing to do: persuade the architect to pass by manila so he can interview karen. of course i also have my hidden agenda about his coming to manila. I really want to see him and then if we see each other, i can probably reassess my feelings. things are different when it's just in emails, fone and chat from the live one. I am looking forward to seeing him.

i have so many things running inside my head and i dont know if those things will still matter to him... or will it still be worth telling him. For now, i'll just keep my big mouth shut before i ruin my plans. shut up blue ginger! shut up!

yesterday i had coffee with my cousin at Tazza Cafe in banawe. They have a car wash beside the coffeeshop. It's a brilliant idea! A lot of people are having their cars washed while they wait in the coffeeshop. Business is booming. Maybe i should put up a biz something like that?!?

HH and I watched White Chicks yesterday at galleria. Good enough movie. Movie was funny but i just didnt feel like laughing yesterday. pathetic me... =(


Im still at Nokia office waiting for the clock to hit 6pm so I can leave. Today is my first project release and I just hope everything works well. Im pretty tired from thinking so much. I just cant imagine how sexy my brain is due to too much brain workout.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow!

The Big M

The architect dropped the "big M" word. He did not propose ok?! His reply to my break up email was this:

i can see how intense you are with your decision. if that's what you want lis... then do as you wish. if that makes you feel happy and relieved about all these then you're free to go. but for the record, there's no one else in my life right now. however, if that's how you want things to be, then maybe i'll just do as you say. honestly, your emails has made me ponder so much and has left me so much loneliness inside but what can i do? i can't possibly find time for you and i know it's pretty much unfair for your part too when you can easily find someone who can always be there for you when you needed one, someone who can always go along with you in the hospital during your check-ups and the rest follows. and with me, it's totally different. i guess you know what i mean so let's not dwell on it so much right now. another things also, i'm not getting married. not just yet. technically, right now, with how your emails were written, i have no one to marry to.. well, i did planned out to get married this year but the bride just simply flew away and wanted her freedom. and i don't want her to be in a cell where she doesn't want to be or less there would be no room for her happiness in it.

til here for now... i'm still in a shock and i don't want to write more things that will only disappoint us both. i have already felt so much disappointment today and i don't want to go further with it right now.

----
honestly i dont feel so good about his reaction. I mean, he was already thinking about the 'Big M' thing for the two of us and I am here thinking of something bad against him. hayyy... I feel bad because ive disappointed the man i would love to marry. Now i dont think he would still like me to be his bride. =( I dont think he would like to marry someone who doubts him and changes her mind about so many things in a snap of a finger. I really feel so bad.

To the architect, sorry for publishing your email. i just wanted to let readers understand our situation without me explaining to them because our situation is already way too complicated to even put into writing.

Things to do before i say "I Do"

This is a list of the things that I should accomplish before i finally decide to settle down. In no chronological order, here it is...

1. See Kyle(if in case he's not going to be my groom)
2. Visit Baguio again
3. Learn to snowboard
4. Try wakeboarding in calatagan =)
5. Live in europe for a couple of months
6. Weekend getaway with my bestfriend... no presence of husband and husband-to-be
7. A trip abroad with my parents... just the 3 of us

I still need a few more moments alone so i could finish this list. As you can see, some of the things written here are not so easily attainable. I am dreaming. Yes I am really dreaming big. hehehe.

Wound, faith and everything else

I've finally sent the break up email(Refer to "I am Stupid" entry). So this is technically my 4th major break up in my entire life. I really hope it wont get as many as a hundred or else... i dont think i can even survive 50 major break ups! I would have been insane by then.

Bad news... I have a .5cm in diameter hole in my incision area of my tummy. Yuck! I have an infected wound that's why i was having on and off fever the past few days. Last week i noticed that a part of my incision is turning red and hard. Last night, the hard part became so soft and the outer skin turned little yellowish. This afternoon, the soft part exploded and created that .5cm hole. Pus came out of the hole. As in a lot! As much as half a glass! (kadiri ka blue ginger!) I panicked after seeing that much blood and pus squirting out of that tiny hole. Anyway, I have managed to clean my wound. Im going to my doc tomorrow. She suspected that this will happen. I should have gone to her this afternoon but the rest of the Nokia project dream team is gone so I opted not to leave. They all went to a team building exercise so I am all alone in the project with no idea what to do.

I spoke with louise, the architect's cousin in YM this afternoon. She was asking if the architect and i are ok. I told her a straight "We're not OK". And then she asked why. I told her that it's almost a month since the architect and I tried to communicate... it wasnt even a phonecall... it was just a damn friendster message. Louise told me that she has not been able to talk to the architect for 2 weeks now. She also said that the architect is so busy working in the U.S. that he barely has time to call her. Ok fine... he's busy. I dont think i can marry someone who cannot make time for me even if his reason is work, family's future, or any other damn reason he can find. It's still not an excuse to neglect someone you love... if you really, really love that someone, that is! And so my decision remains...

I went to church yesterday. Yep, I was able to persuade HH to come with me to church even if his religion is INC. The gospel struck me. It said that some people feel that their prayers are not answered by God. Some of those people lose hope and stop praying and asking. I was actually feeling that way the past weeks. I have been praying so hard for things in my life to be ok. After weeks of praying for those things and nothing changed, I felt bad. The priest said, some prayers are not answered the way we want God to answer them. God sometimes gives us answers in a different way that we deserve. Some of our prayers are not answered immediately because God wants to see how much we want to have those things.

I have been praying religiously for the architect to make time for me... Maybe god answered my prayer by giving HH to me because HH has been spending all his free time with me.

I am Stupid

I've done another stupidity. Last night HH fetched me from the Nokia office to meet his family at shangrila mall in shaw. we had to take the mrt because it was too traffic (Megamall and Robinson's sale) in edsa. So we had to walk all the way from ayala cor. paseo to sm makati where ayala station mrt is located... layo nun ah!

And then when we got to shangrila, we ate dinner at green tomato. As usual, i was reminded with the never ending diet we need to maintain... I just ate salad. =( and then we went near the moviehouse because we had to wait till the 10pm showing. we stayed near the snackbar of the moviehouse. HH was bored so i opened my laptop. Then he noticed the file "kyle.txt" in my desktop. Stupid me! He immediately asked me what it was all about. Btw, we dont meddle with each other's privacy so he never opened the file and instead he just politely asked. I told him it was an email. Then his face turned sad and he seemed to be mad but he was not talking about it. We watched Ladder 49 and he still seemed sweet... as if nothing happened.

You maybe wondering what that file was all about and of all directories, i placed it in the desktop?! It was a break-up email for the architect that i was supposed to send yesterday. I realized i needed a closure to the past so I can move on with my life. I cannot go on waiting for him to make time for me. It was as if i was waiting for something that will never come. I put all my courage to write the letter. I told him that i needed somebody beside me as i go through my life's challenges and his absence is not much help to me. I made that decision not because of HH, but because i want a normal life for myself. It was a hard decision to let someone go because that someone is the person i really want to spend my life with. But i guess it will be harder for me to let go of the person who was always there during my down times and problems and who loves me unconditionally - HH. ok, im selfish. Everybody deserves to be happy right? I think I also deserve to be happy even if it's not with the architect anymore. I'm trying to fall in love with HH and with the thought that the architect will still be around, doesnt help at all. Maybe some things are really not meant to be so I should learn to accept them instead of fighting for them.

Acceptance of a failed relationship is not so easy afterall. It's easy to say we can move on and learn from those mistakes but how come it's so hard to do? And the more we try to convince ourselves that you'll be ok, the pain cuts deeper. =( Time heals all wounds and I think mine will really take a long, long time.

Bad News =(

I went to my doctor awhile ago. This time, I was alone and didnt bring mom along. Doctor asked me to have my ultrasound due to the pains in my incision. The ultrasound gave negative results about a bloodclot underneath my stitches so my doctor suspects it is another infection. Waaahhh! Im taking antibiotics now. A stronger one... about 500mg 4 times a day.

My doctor also dropped the bad news... Ultrasound report shows a polycystic growth on my left ovary about less than 1cm in size. Doc said it's too small to be operated.(That was also what my previous doc told me March2004... before my operation) I am actually depressed now. My doc said i could still take medication so it would disappear. But it's no guarantee that it will totally disappear. =(

I told HH about it and as always, he's more worried than I am. Hayyyy... Wish i could do something about it.

Im Sick Again

Im sick. I am at home now because mom didnt allow me to go to work. This is the first time I had fever this year. I felt sick since yesterday. My incision was really aching. I was really scared that my incision might open up again. Scary! I think i just need rest... hopefully that's the only thing i need and I wont end up inside the hospital again. I really dont want to get confined again. As in!

My sister's boyfriend broke up with her. =( And my innocent sister told my mom about it. Mom is so angry with her ex-bf now because mom found out that the guy had a new girlfriend a few days after she broke up with my sister. A**hole! He's my sister's first boyfriend that's why my sister is overly drooling at him! I want to kill that guy! Grrrr! Now my mom is constantly scolding my sister about that guy because my innocent(?! or should i call her tanga?!) sister wants to go back to that guy. It's really hard to live with people who cannot handle heartbreaks. When me and my first boyfriend broke up, I wasnt like my sister. Yes, I wanted him back but no, my life won't end after he broke my heart.

Rule #1, never tell your mom the reason why you broke up. Or for that matter, dont make the initiative to tell her that you've broken up. Let her notice that the guy is not visiting you at home anymore or you're not going out with him. And then when she notices, she'll eventually ask you. And when she asks you, tell her a quick "wala na kme" then change the topic. =)

Rule #2, if the reason why you broke up is really bad, and you think there is still a possibility for the two of you to get back together, never ever tell your mom the real reason for the break up. White lies wont hurt. What your family doesnt know wont hurt them. It is easier to tell your mom, "because it's not working" or "because of irreconcilable differences". You could always be vague in giving reasons. No spefics as much as possbile because the more you give details about the break up, the more your mom worries about you. It will really be hard for the family to accept him again if ever you get back together. Also, your paranoid mom will always think that you will break up again one day with the same bad reason.

Rule #3, never be left alone in the house with your mom after the break up. It's hard not to act like everything's ok after someone breaks your heart. Your mom knows you so well that it is inevitable for her not to notice your sudden sadness, depression and mild insanity. Being alone and not doing anything would just trigger more thoughts about the ex (your oh-so-sweet dates, kilig moments, what-if-she-is-the-right-person-for-you thoughts, etc...) which can lead to more depression and sadness. If you dont want your mom to also suffer like you because she's too much worried about your condition, better not act sad in front of her. Better yet, keep yourself busy at all times that when you get home, all you can do is to doze off. Dont give time for yourself to think. And dont give you mom reasons to worry.

Im giving out these guidelines because it worked for myself. Heartbreak is one of the most painful things that can happen to a person. Some lose their sanity, some end up doing suicide, etc. Life does not end where heartaches begin. This quote is so true. If the person you love doesnt love you anymore, then try to love some other people. It's ok to cry and pour your heart out but after that, move on. I've had three major break ups in my life and I survived them all.

Be brave... millions of people out there have broken hearts too and some had worse cases than you. Be thankful that you just lost a boyfriend/girlfriend and not your family. I am sure that will be harder to accept. Try to regain faith in God that he has given you what you deserve and that he doesnt give challenges that you can't overcome. Live life fully and dont waste it drooling over something/someone whom God doesnt want you to have. Of course you deserve better and I'm sure, God will always give you something better...

Survey

TOP 3 frequently visited sites
1. http://www.google.com
2. http://mail.yahoo.com
3. http://www.blogger.com

TOP 3 Favorite songs on playlist
1. People are People by D'Sound
2. If I Aint Got You by Alicia Keys
3. Let's Get Retarded by BEP

TOP 3 Foods
1. Taho/Tofu
2. Shrimp
3. Pasta <--- but im on diet now and i dont eat carbs

TOP 3 Drinks
1. Water
2. Coffee
3. Smirnoff Ice

TOP 3 Snacks
1. Nagaraya garlic/adobo flavor
2. Mcdonalds French fries <- waaaahhh! i miss eating fries
3. Siomai/Dumpling

TOP 3 Indoor activities
1. Playing Warcraft
2. Watching movies
3. Blog hopping

TOP 3 Outdoor activities
1. Shopping
2. Going out-of-town for no good reason
3. Hanging out in a coffeeshop

TOP 3 Accessories
1. Vintage looking watch
2. Pearl earrings
3. nice bag

TOP 3 Major expenses
1. Food
2. Shoes
3. Everything else I bought but not really need

TOP 3 Movies that you like
1. Coyote Ugly
2. Ocean's Eleven
3. Life is Beautiful


1 Saturday Nights:
~> sleep
2 Chocolates:
~> i dont really like eating chocolates
3 Britney Spears:
~> so so
4 My boy/girlfriend:
~> is very kind.
5 My Best Friend:
~> is a craziest pregnant woman ive ever met.
6 My Pet:
~> is dead. hahaha
7 My Mother:
~> is more sensitive than I am. She gets mad at the littlest thing.
8 My bed:
~> is cozy. I miss it everytime im away.
9 Rainy Days:
~> is the best weather! Except for the floods.
10 Going to school:
~> i miss school...
11 Friendster:
~> human locator.
12 Myspace:
~> I barely check my account there.
13 Myself:
~> I need time alone. I feel like im going nowhere. I need to plan my life soon.
14 Coffee:
~> Keeps me going.
15 Coke:
~> No coke for me!
16 Summer:
~> I love summer in finland. Not hot at all!
17 Music:
~> entertains me.
18 My Life:
~> is beautiful. im so blessed. im just not so good in appreciating it.
19 My PC
~> at home is good enough but my laptop is my life.
20 Movies
~> it's a good way to relax
21 No Doubt
~> i like their songs
22 Commuting
~> is something i've mastered! hahaha
23 High School:
~> one of the best days in my life.
24 Parties:
~> are also the best
25 My Job:
~> is boring except for some perks.
26 Chewing gums:
~> double mint!
27 Math:
~> im a math geek.
28 Beer:
~> i never liked them.
29 Sex:
~> connoisseur HH...hahaha
30 Cigarettes:
~> back to my old vice... a pack a week.
31 Breaking Up:
~> will never be easy and painless
32 Cursing:
~> is bad
33 USA
~> CA
34 My Hometown:
~> im home!
35 Being Single:
~> is a gift.

Im Bored

This is my third entry for the day. Hopefully this will be the last for today. I have uploaded my pictures in blogger. Here's the link:

http://bluegingerphotos.blogspot.com/

Me and HH

I'm in the office and not doing anything. I was trying to remove unnecessary files from my pc when I came across some photos of me and HH. This is the first time I am going to post a picture of the two of us together... I have never ever done this before. Not even in my friendster pictures. For the benefit of the readers of my blog, I want you all to meet HH...


Taken last Sept 30, 2004 at my house. 


HH and I at my house. 


HH and I at his mom's birthday party. 

Ok, ok. We dont really look good together. We look like two bouncing balls. hehehe. We seemed ok in the photos. I mean, there's really no sign that there is something wrong with our relationship. I guess the only thing wrong in our relationship is me. I am the one who has problems. And so I came to a conclusion that because you look ok in the picture, does not mean you are really ok. Pictures can also be deceiving.

I wanted to post a picture of the architect but unfortunately, we dont have a picture together. Well, we havent seen each other for years now. During the time we were together which was 5 years ago, camera phones and digital imaging hasnt existed yet! If it did exist, it was probably too expensive for both of us to afford. Well hopefully I can post a picture of us(me and the architect) in the near future. Hmmm... there goes the hopeful me... hayyy.... :(

Sunday Shopping

HH picked me up from home yesterday. Well it has been our routine every Sunday to go out. We went to his house to get some stuff for the salon. His 3-year old sister, Glaf, is really sweet. She treats me like her ate. Glaf came to me carrying a lot of her books and asked me to read her books for her. Cute! Just felt like a mom yesterday... hahaha... dream on BG!


HH's cute sister, Glaf.  

HH and I went to the mall, Podium, in Ortigas. I did a little shopping. I bought HH a copy of Diablo Battle Chest. Grabe! Im such a sweet girlfriend!hahaha. HH wanted to play battle net so i bought him an orig copy of Diablo. I also bought this Adidas jacket which I wanted to buy a long time ago but because i find it too expensive for a piece of clothing, i wasnt able to buy. Yesterday, the jacket was on sale! It was 40%off so i didnt have second thoughts of buying it. Sale is really a good excuse to go shopping!Hehehe. I also went to HH's salon in Podium, Hairbytes. I had a haircut and a treatment. Everything was free of course! I just love HH for that. His face is as good as a 100% discount card in their salons. Hahaha.

HH and I were supposed to visit my preggy bestfriend yesterday. But due to my bestfriends kabaliwan, we werent able to see her because she already left for Mindoro. Btw, she stays in Mindoro because her hubby is working there.Maybe I should pay her a visit in Mindoro and go straight to Puerto Galera!? That isnt such a bad idea.

We also had dinner at Burgoo. I just love their Seafood Ceasar Salad! It's the best salad ive ever tasted. Hmmm... Im not sure if it's really their salad which is good or I was just trying to convince myself it's good because I have only been eating tasteless veggies and tofu the past few days due to my SB Diet. Naaahh... it must be the salad!

We also had coffee at Cafea in QC near ABSCBN last night. We visited that coffeeshop twice this week. I love the ambiance of the place plus we can smoke inside an airconditioned room which is forbidden here in makati. Yes folks, i am smoking again. Warning: smoking is dangerous for your health. I am a bad example!

Shark Tale

I went out last night with HH's family. We went to Glorietta to watch Shark Tale and eat dinner at Marina. His family was really nice to me as always. Maybe that's also the reason why it makes it hard for me to leave HH. When I leave HH, I dont only hurt him but his family as well. Well it really does matter to me when my guy's family accepts me and is ultimately nice to me just like HH's family. Btw, there was an earthquake when we were watching the movie. It's really more scary when you're inside the movie house! A lot of people left after the earthquake. And another thing, Shark Tale is really funny! You should watch it.

My diet is making me more moody than ever. Im trying out the South Beach diet. I haven't eaten carbs for a week now. I feel so tired every time i come home from work. This is probably the side effect of this diet. I have survived a whole year without eating rice 5years ago so probably I can survive another year doing it again. I just hope I can keep up with this diet.

The other day my team lead asked me if it's ok for me to spend christmas in finland. I immediately said yes with no hesitation. I wanted some time alone so i can reassess myself... what i really want to do with my life.(senti :() i really want to think about my plans and i wouldnt be able to make unbiased decision when i have my family around me. i guess it wouldnt hurt if i spend just one christmas far from them. me going to finland is just a contingency plan. My colleague's work permit is still in process with the finnish embassy. if it comes out earlier, then i wont be leaving but if it doesnt come out by november, then i would have to leave for helsinki again.

No news again from the architect. Hayyy... he tries to communicate with me only once in a blue moon. He tells me he loves me but he doesnt have time for me... =( Am I a demanding girlfriend or what? Naaahhhh... I think i could win an award for being the most understanding girlfriend ever! hehehe. I am the most understanding girlfriend he ever had so probably that's the reason why he wants me... because i am the most convenient girlfriend for him... Never demands, always waits, ever patient, never selosa. what else could he ask for? Except to get rid of my ultra sensitive mood swings of course! This isnt working BG... it's not working anymore... it's really hard to put that thought in my stupid mind and heart. im not yet ready to accept that truth. something in me is still hoping for that someday where everything will just fall into place with him. :(

Helsinki Pictures

Presenting, the pictures during my last Finland trip... before I had my operation, that is!


At Helsinki Central Park 



Helsinki Pier area 



More Pictures at the Central Park 



Outside one of Helsinki's museums 



Waiting for a bus outside Nokia House 



Helsinki subway station 



Park beside St. Hendrik's Church 



Last dinner out with Chad, Kirt and Pheng at Memphis 



Last dinner out with Chad, Kirt and Pheng at Memphis 

Will you marry me?

Since I have been suffering from extreme pressure that might soon lead to insanity, I would like to share what's on my mind so that if ever i totally lose my mind, there will be a written account on what caused my condition.

Would you marry someone who can't give you a kid in the future? Well at least not guarantee that she can bear a child but still the fact goes, what if she cant? Thank you to my genes which caused me to lose my right ovary. My sickness runs in the family... both mom and dad's side to be exact. who could get away with those bad genes passed to an innocent child like me? probably, if lifestyle nowadays is the same as 20 years ago, I would already have a kid so that means i wouldnt be worrying this much. But what the heck, things are different now.

Most of the guys i know think that having a family in the future is important. Family = husband + wife + kid(s). If all guys are like that, i might never get married ever! HH told me that it's ok if I cannot bear his child. What guarantee do I have that after 10 years he will still have the same opinion about me? Who wouldnt want to have his own family, right? I am just scared that even if somebody loves me, I cannot make him completely happy just because I cant give him a kid.

My Company's HR specialist told me that I should be thinking of having a kid around 1-3 years from now. I will only be 25 to 28 then and just when all people of my age are at the peak of their career. I am a careerwoman by heart and as of the moment I cannot give up my career in a snap of a finger. The HR specialist said that i should start weighing my priorities... my career versus having a kid. If I choose having a kid, I will lose the chance of getting sent abroad to work and earn more and might end up losing self fulfillment. If i choose my career, I might not be able to have a kid in the future. Hayyy... Either way, I will still lose something important to me.

Before I say "I do"

I went to an OB last monday. I was absent from work of course. Anyway, the doctor told me that I should be thinking of getting married soon so I can try to make a baby as early as possible. OH NO!!! I am actually pressured because i felt that i dont have the luxury of time anymore before i settle down. How can I possible ask someone to make a baby with me?! Much more to force them to marry me?! waaaaaaahhhh!!! I can't say that everything will be alright because my current lovelife is really a mess and the pressure of settling down is making me insane. I want to have a kid. As in! But I dont think i am ready to get married. I am only 23 and I still want to do a lot of things which will be impossible for me to do when I already have my own family. Not to mention the career I love will be suffering. I am praying hard for things to be better.

Btw, I am still assigned to report to Nokia Philippines' office. This is another tiring day. hayyy...

Dazed and confused

I bought a new pc lastweek. i think i forgot to include that in my blog. i cant go online yet at home because the phone line is too far from my new pc which is inside my room. I am actually planning to get dsl connection at home. but of course, that still depends if i will have enough resources coming in so i will be able to pay the bills.

i am working on a new project with nokia. nokia finland asked us to stay in their manila office to work on the new project. nokia manila is in philam building in paseo de roxas, makati. it's near my employer's office in buendia. my new teammates are jaime(my boss), roldz(my previous team lead) and punzi(my current team lead). i have a dream team with me. im working with my bosses. im the only "junior" working with them on this project. i just hope i do good because the system were working on is not really my forte. ABAP and java... yikes!

i have been asking opinions on how i should go about my current lovelife situation. most of my friends tell me that working things out with the architect again means suicide. they kept asking me why the hell i always choose a complicated life?! well in fact, there is someone out there waiting for me, would like to give me a simpler life, and loves me without questions. i just tell my friends, there comes a time in your life that you know what and who you want. and no matter how many choices destiny lay down in front of you, some of which are really good choices, you will still end up choosing the one that you originally wanted. its so difficult to explain to other people that being tanga with your decision in their point of view will probably be that thing that can make you the happiest person in the world. and having that person with you again would somewhat make you a complete person even if it does not guarantee bliss. in the end, it will still be my decision anyway and not theirs. i just wish things to be less complicated with the architect. =(

Insane World

Octoberfest! i had a great time last night. thank you ronald, ate jing, mark, lloyd! i missed hanging out with you guys. hey mark, you better ask your employer to give you internet access!(i wonder if mark could ever read this)

last night we had dinner at gerry's glorietta. as usual, we talked about more chismis about our old employer, old officemates and our new work. i hope all of us will have good careers ahead of us... better work environment... better salary so we could go out more often... hehehe. it's so good to hear that all of us transferred to makati so it's easier to meet up.

i thought everything between me and the architect was over since we hadnt been communicating at all. not even an SMS, a call or an email... as in NADA. and so i thought it wasnt him and me anymore. but i admit i am not yet over him. the other night, i prayed really hard to God and asked Him to give me a sign if i should still be thinking about the architect or give up on him and move on. i told God that if the architect is not meant for me, i should receive an email from him telling me that everything's over between us. and i even gave a deadline for my waiting which was until end of this week... Sunday 11:59PM. To my surprise, yesterday morning, i received a message from the architect in friendster. he told me that he's sorry for not being able to communicate and that he was busy(as always) and that he misses me so much and that he hopes to see me real soon and that he loves me and he's always thinking about me.

I am amazed at how God answers our prayers even if we've done so many bad things. I am weak when it comes to the architect. I am easily swayed by the way he makes lambing at my least expected time. when someone we love hurts us, no matter how much pain they inflict in us, we still end up loving them. we may feel bad about them for a while but the moment they do something nice to us, even a very little act of kindness, would make us forget about our anger. hayyy... love...

so now, i am confused. i am technically two-timing because of too much reading between the lines. i assumed that the architect and i arent together anymore that's why i got back with HH. there wasnt any formal break-up... i just assumed. and now that the architect is back in the picture, he thinks that we are still together.... well technically we still are together. hayyy... ang gulo!!! i better straighten this mess ive made real soon.

i love the architect but the more i try to make our relationship work, the more i get hurt. i havent accepted the fact that he cant give me the time i need from him. he will always be busy with something and i will always share his attention with someone/something. on the other hand, HH loves me so much that he'd give up everything for me. well, i am still trying to make myself fall in love with him so i could just choose him over the architect. as of the moment, i havent been successful yet but i am really trying. i just hope God continues to give me more signs. I hope God wont get tired of listening to me.

i feel sad for my friend john. john, things happen for a reason. im sure god has better plans for the two of you. if you are really meant for each other, your time will come. even if she hurt you doesnt mean she doesnt love you. she's just not ready. some people are just not as mature as us to handle relationships. some people are just not as brave as us to be willing to risk getting hurt. it is so hard to move on but we have to. i wish i could do something to make you feel better, john. =(