More Pictures

Old Officemates nightcap at Seattle's Paseo. 


HH and I at Shangrila Mall. 

See into my eyes

i am not sure if i should be happy about what's happening to me these days. each day that passes, it's as if im slowly having less and less feelings for the architect. it may sound absurd but everytime that i spend more time with HH, it seems that i am learning to accept him more... even his faults and shortcomings.

two weeks ago, the architect and i have been communicating everyday. It lasted for two straight weeks. Then suddenly communication just halted at the start of last week. =( Instead of me missing him, i felt that i was getting used to his absence. with HH with me almost every single day, things just felt so much easy... none of the worries ive felt with the architect. i admit im bad because i have been comparing these two men in my life for the longest time i can ever remember.

the other week, in one of the architect's last emails to me, he told me that his daughter's mom(his ex-gf) who is incidentally with him in the states right this very moment, asked him if they could still work things out as a couple. the architect told me that maia(name of her ex & mom to one of his kids) was still in love with him and that the feeling was mutual BUT he got tired of trying to make things work for the two of them because this girl is so totally insecure about so many things. of course i felt bad. really really bad... but instead of fighting for my love for him once again, i told him that maia deserves him more than i do. i too cant believe that i was able to tell him that. ive fought for my love for him and then in just an instant after hearing what he said i just felt 'this is really over... i have to let him go'. here's an excerpt of my email to him:

*****

"Ummm... you know me well, kyle. im amazed at how you knew what my response will be and what i would probably be feeling after reading your mail. Youre right, i would say i understand or i would let you feel that i understand inspite of the painful feeling that's tearing me apart right now. If I am in a competition with maia, ill surely lose. She's there with you, and i am here so many miles away from you. She has khiara, your kid, and for Christ's sake I cant even bear a child. She has all her time to spend with you, and im a career woman working my ass off. She knows you well because of the so many times youve spent together, and i knew you only through the times that we communicated with each other which would never be comparable to the things youve shared with her. Your kids love her, and your kids dont even know i exist. You see, it's a completely obvious defeat. I concede.

I appreciate the honesty. I guess ive foreseen this to happen, even when you were just telling me that youre leaving for the US with maia and the kids and i was still in helsinki then. Remember how negative i was thinking then? I just wish you told me earlier. I wish i hadnt told you about some of my future plans because i just feel so stupid for assumming that it's only me in your life right now. But i really do appreciate telling me everything... hopefully everything i needed to know. I bet, maia doesnt even know about me.

...I completely understand your situation... as always. I am not asking you to choose because youve already made me feel where i should stand. With me, all the convenience of having maia around will just disappear. All the things that she can do for you might not be the things i can do for you. I cannot promise you a blissful life with me, kyle. I cannot guarantee that things will be as easy as with maia. I dont even know if my love for you will ever compare with that of maia's love for you. I had my chance with you to work things out but i blew it. And now it's her chance again to prove how much more she's willing to take just to be with you... and i will respect that."
*****

i didnt ask him to choose. i made the choice of letting him be with maia and leave the two of them alone. it was painful but im sure this wont be for long. all my whatifs suddenly had answers. i realized maia can take care of him and can love him and that i should not worry anymore because i am confident that that woman can be someone he could spend the rest of his life with. i know maia can make him happy. i also realized that i was just waiting for him to find someone who could take care of him and can love him as much as i did. and now that the time has come, i should let him go and accept the destiny God made for the two of us. i dont feel bitter. not at all. when you love someone, you want that person to be in good hands before you leave and you would do everything to make that person happy even if his happiness does not anymore include you.

another point... he said that he was still in love with me. he also said that he was still in love with maia. most people would think he's selfish for loving two people at the same time and telling both persons how he feels. well, it also happened to me. i loved two people at the same time. but i loved them for different reasons and they have different intensities. i was in love with the other more and the other less. the question is, who did the architect love more between maia and me? i didnt dare ask him because i did not want to know. what i dont know wont hurt me so better yet let things just be the way they are.

im looking forward to better days for me. i guess all the stress im getting from work has helped me go through this emotional rollercoaster. i can say that im still lucky because someone loves me so much inspite of my insanity... im really hoping that it's really over between the architect and I. im praying hard that god will send someone to be the rightful man ill spend the rest of my life with. =)

Btw, i finished Dan Brown's Angels and Demons and The Da Vinci Code. Really nice books! I need more of those books... they challenge my faith.

Happy birthday to me

Officially, im 24 years old...

My Freaky Stalker

My bestfriend's grandma died last night. =(

Last friday i attended the reunion of my old office buddies from an IT company in QC. We had dinner at dencio's (Which I ended up paying the bill because they were asking for my bday treat) and had coffee at Seattle's at Paseo Center in Makati. Everything seemed to be ok not until my old college admirer/ex-officemate came. Well, he has been trying to communicate with me even when i was still in helsinki and he did try to tell me that he still has feelings for me. Yikes! I overly do not like the guy. As in! Swear to god! I never entertained him in any way that i could. I just cant imagine that all these years(four years, i think!) he hasnt gotten over me. My god! I did everything to help him forget me. I even ended up getting mad at him so he'd stop pestering and talking to me. seems that it didnt work. He was my old college kabarkada so we have the same crowd but still I never gave him any chance to even try to court me.

Last night, my so called obssessed admirer/stalker(hehe) was asking me out to have coffee. He didnt want me to bring along any chaperone. He said well just talk and have coffee. I told him I wasnt available because i have so much stuff to do at work and im reporting at a client's office. (fyi, my employer's office is just a bldg away from his office) And so he said he'll pick me up from my client's office(philam bldg) then we could have coffee. I was convinced that I should talk to him and finally end this stupid thing he is feeling for me. But one of our kabarkadas told me that i shouldnt go out with him and that the mere thought of me saying yes to this coffee-thing is making him hope that there can still be a chance for me and him. Oh no! And so i told my bf(HH) that this guy is asking me out. Of course my bf would say no! And so I told my stalker that i cant make it to our coffee session last night and i also made up some excuse to convince him. My stalker said he'll still wait for me even if i dont show up. He kept texting me the whole night that he's still waiting for me. HH, so alarmed, told me to wait for him until he arrives to pick me up. When HH parked his car in front of the philam bldg, he saw my stalker passing by and that guy even saw him. Scary! When I got out of the office, i immediately rushed into the car. Now im worried that my stalker might wait for me outside of my bldg everyday... yikes!

I swear ill never talk to that guy again! He's scaring the hell out of me! Wish my stalker would just be the architect! hahaha. Dream on blue ginger! I have enough problems with the guys in my life and I dont intend to add another problem. And for one thing, I really dont like that stalker as in not at all and will never be. I just really wish that the person who would stalk me will be the architect. =D

Friday Madness

I dont exactly know what im feeling right now. The architect and I have been exchanging emails everyday(including weekends) since last week. Really amazing! He hasnt done such thing for the longest time i can ever imagine. Well, he still says he's busy but he never failed to send me an email every single day. I really do appreciate his effort but why only now? Why is he doing such deed when im not expecting him to? When we were together, i was almost begging for him to communicate with me in any possible way. But now that i am trying to make another relationship work (not with him!), he's confusing me once again.

I had a nice chat with my friend john last night. I realized, it's not only me who is going through a tough time getting over someone. It's really hard when the person you want to forget isnt cooperating with your plans. And no matter how much you put in your head that you want to go on with your life without that person, one single text message can change everything! Hayyy... Hey john! My cebu trip is starting to come to reality... If my cousin gets the job in cebu, I promised to come with her to cebu so now I have more reasons to go there!

I have to go now... I have a gimik to go to tonight with my former officemates from the IT company i used to work for in QC. Tell you the details next time.

Have a nice weekend!

Lazy Saturday

It was my birthday celebration with my officemates last night. I celebrated my birthday with my two other officemates who are also celebrating their birthday this month. Happy birthday Jaime and Roldz! Thank you for getting me all drunk!

The past week, the architect has been communicating with my cousin about the job offer. He sent a questionnaire that is sort of an interview for the job. I helped my cousin answer the questions. Well actually, I answered most of the questions! Guess what was the architect's reply?! He was impressed. Hahaha. It was so funny because he was so impressed with my cousins answers, or should i say, MY answers! If he only knew. I bet he'd be more impressed if i was actually the one who was applying for the job. Oh well, three years working for IT and going through the worst part of dealing with uncooperative clients was a great learning experience for me. My answers were the product of those three years!

I think my cousin will get the job in cebu. The architect was already telling me how much he's going to offer my cousin and he already asked me if my cousin would like to stay in his company's staff house instead of my lolo's house in pardo. He also said that he'll probably ask karen to fly to cebu in january. Hayyyy..

Of course i am happy that my cousin is going to move on another career but what disturbs me is the fact that her new boss is actually my ex! And the past weeks I have made a decision to move on but how come destiny is doing something weird again with my life... not exactly my life but the life of a person close to me? Why is the architect making moves to have a connection again to me? Of all people, why my cousin? I mean, I am grateful that the architect is helping someone close to me but why only now? After all the pain he's caused me and taking me for granted for the past months, he's suddenly showing up again... Hay ambot! I have so many questions in my head and I cant seem to find answers right now. Just when I am ready to move on, he comes back. Hayyy... MEN! Youre so hard to comprehend!

Another drama part of his email was when he told me that in his priorities, I come after his kids. Hmmm... not bad huh?! Hayyy... I am trying to stop my emotions. I think im going to be insane if i think about the architect more. Help!

Of Love and Other Demons

there's a lot of things happening to me and to the people around me these days. i also have a lot of things running inside my head. anyway, im going out tonight. it's my 2weeks-advance birthday celebration with my officemates. ill make a longer blog next time.

=)

That O word and Over-the-counter remedies

Taken from www.peyups.com
Contributed by taas_kilay (Edited by mananalaysay)
Thursday, November 04, 2004 @ 12:00:44 AM

A close friend and held-at-gunpoint fan of my work for the past 6 years had a humorous epiphany in relation to this article in progress. He quipped that since I was very much into deriving pearls of wisdom from the unlikeliest of items, his little observation just be what I need for my article.
A new love, he says, that comes at the tail-end of a failed relationship can be any of three things: a band-aid (otherwise known as panakip-butas), ointment (think Tiger Balm, Omega, or Ben Gay), or a painkiller (Alaxan, Aaaaadvil, or Midol. Take your pick).

Flings, One-night-stands, FUBUs—are all short-term or short-lived so-called solutions to the problem at hand, otherwise known as band-aids. As you already know band-aids cover up a wound, keeping the bloody mess from plain view. And like they say; out of sight, out of mind. But if you really think about it, band-aids don’t really take away the pain. Of course they do keep the thing all neat and tidy on the surface while the wound continues to fester underneath.

Next thing you know, you’re lying on your back in the dark, staring at the ceiling, and the pain starts creeping in. Through the ache you wonder what the hell you are doing in some strange bed, who the hell you’re with, and why the heck you do it. Then you remember why and you groan inwardly. But what’s the point of it all if not to keep from hurting, right? Still there you are… in the dark. Hurting just as much (or perhaps even more) before you hooked up with the one snoring next to you.

Then there are those who are so great to be with, you simply forget about the pain. Let’s face it. The world is full of wonderful, lovable people who could be the next best thing that could happen to you, only you won’t let it because you’re too tangled up in your own hang-ups to notice. But in the event that you do allow yourself to have a bit of fun every now and then, they’re there, ready to wrestle a smile out of your gloomy disposition, fill your ears with phrases of encouragement, and inflate your ego with unadulterated adoration. Fortunately for you they don’t ask for much save for your being happy. They’re the bosom buddy, no. 1 fan, on-call lover rolled into one. They’re the balm to your wounded soul—if only for a few hours to a couple of months or until you finally get yourself together and let yourself love again... though not necessarily with them.

Lastly we come to the human versions of ibuprofen paracetamol. People proven to stop the pain before it stops you. And you go to great lengths to find them. It doesn’t matter that it’s only been a week since the break-up, all you know is that you’ve hit rock bottom and there’s no other way to go but up, right? Through sheer determination you might even be lucky enough to find someone. Suddenly life is beautiful once again. You’re overwhelmed, overjoyed, head-over-feet for someone again. You’re so happy, you can hardly remember whats-her-name or whats-his-face and why the heck you were so miserable in the first place. But then, every beginning has an ending. Yes, for a moment there he or she definitely took the pain away but then the effects wear off and you’re back to hurting all over again. What happens next? Should you go on another fervent hunt for “The One?” Take down the numbers of a prospect or two and call them in the morning?

Then again I’m just talking about if you manage to find someone to address your aches and pains.

But what if you don’t? What if, despite your efforts, there’s noone there?

What then?

* * *

I’ve learned that in the end you need three things to remedy a broken heart, ego, and soul. Time, distance, and yourself. As words come, those three aren’t so difficult to pronounce but it’s a hell of a lot to really apply. But anyone who’s had his or her heart broken before can tell you that if there are tried and tested elements into getting over someone, those would be it. It may sound a bit sanctimonious but if you even start looking to others for happiness and healing, then you will always do so. Old habits die hard. Believe me, I know.

How will you know when you’re finally okay? I can only speak from experience—when the titles of self-help books, particularly those that sound like “How to handle hurt” or “Love conquers all—even broken hearts” won’t catch your eye in a bookstore. When you can do things you used to do together and feel nostalgia and not nausea. When you can hear certain songs played on the radio you won’t feel even a slight twinge. Basically if your can go through your every day without sparing a thought to the pain you used to harbor because of the past and if you can honestly wonder about the person without plotting elaborate schemes of revenge or without having your vision suddenly going blurry with tears, then you’re on your way to recovery, if not already.

My unsolicited advice to those still in the process of getting over? Live. Just live. And when I say live, don’t just drift through the days like a ghost of your former self. Really live; and if you can, live it up—with friends, family members, loved ones, your dog, etc. Obviously his or her life didn’t stop for you, why then should you let yours?

And it always helps if you have a sense of humor.

Chasing Ghosts

I think im doing a great job not thinking so much about the architect. I survived not sending him mails for the past week. Great! It's a start at least.

Thursday last week, my cousin Karen, HH and I went out. We brought my cousin to this somewhat hidden restaurant here in Makati. The place is called The Old Spaghetti House. Of course they serve pasta! Food is good and the price is not so expensive. What's so nice about this place is it's just behind Philam bldg, where my current client is located and where i am reporting to for the next few weeks. Then we brought my cousin to my favorite coffeeshop in QC. I think ive mentioned this in one of my older blogs. This coffeeshop is somewhere in ABSCBN vicinity and has an airconditioned smoking area. As always, it's somewhat hidden and not so easy to find that's why it's not as crowded as the usual starbucks or seattle's best.

Hmm... do you notice that i love cozy places where there's less people and somewhat hidden to most of the crowd?! We brought my cousin to those kinds of places because she was looking for dating places for her and her not-so-available partner. Somewhere they could not be seen together by friends, families and any other people who doesnt know about their relationship. You read it right... my cousin is seeing a married guy. Fine! It runs in our blood... i mean, getting attracted to unavailable men! Hey, those men got attracted to us first! It's not our fault that they keep running back to us even if we've ditched them a couple of times. Maybe it was slightly our fault to be entertaining them in the first place but we're not bitches. My case is really different from all those usual kerida stories you might have heard of. And for one thing, the architect is divorced ok?!

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Friday night we had dinner at Friday's Glorietta which has a smoking area! Yehey! Finally found a place here in Makati where the smoking area is bigger than that of the non-smoking area. hahaha. We watched The Grudge... technically, I barely watched the movie because i kept covering my eyes. I dont like horror movies like those!

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Sunday night we went to the airport to pickup HH's grandma. She came from Cebu to attend a funeral. We took her home and picked up HH's youngest sister from Glorietta. HH and I had dinner at Colasa's... a barbeque joint in Timog. They serve the greatest barbeques! The place is not really the sosy type but the food is really good and inexpensive.

HH and I also watched House of Flying Daggers. Nice movie especially the bamboo fight scene!

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Monday morning, my family and I went to the cemetery to visit my lolo. The cemetery was so crowded as expected and really traffic! Few years back, most of my cousins in manila visit my lolo during Nov.1 but after my older cousins got married, they stopped visiting the cemetery. I miss the old bonding sessions at the cemetery. I miss the reunion-like get together during November 1. We didnt stay long in the cemetery because it was so hot. We left around 2pm and got home around 3pm. So traffic!