My jealousy is consuming me. Yesterday, the architect and I had a big fight because I was so jealous with jen. Who wouldnt be? But our argument yesterday ended and we made up. But honestly, yesterday, i was ready to let him go. I realized im missing a lot of siginificant moments in his life. Technically, I barely know him and as much as I want to get to know him, it's quite impossible because we are miles away from each other. even if i come home to manila, he still lives in cebu and the chances that we can spend time with each other is so slim. he told me about the things jen misses when they broke up... it was so painful. jen knows him so much and theyve spent so many great moments together and I... not even close to half of jen's experiences with him. i have been comparing myself with jen. I just cant help it. She has made me feel so insecure. =(
Im confused right now. Im caught between letting him go and holding on. I want to be the right person for the architect. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. i know ive missed so many things to share with him because i am far away. i appreciate his efforts to keep up with me. i know there are lots of ladies who can love him more than i do and who will be more convenient for him. this time, if ever things dont work out between us again, i will not hold him back. and that i will not give his next girlfriend a reason to be jealous. this time, i will completely let him go which i did failed to do for the last 6 years. he made me realize that i barely know him. and that he also doesnt know me. i am scared to lose him. but then i am more scared that i cant make him happy if i keep him. i can always keep on telling him that i love him. but then, i dont know if he could feel that love im talking about. i also know that it takes more than love to keep a relationship working. but how can we make this work if we havent experienced how it's like to spend time with each other. jen's lucky. she had the chance to experience how it's like to be with him. i dont know. i just suddenly lost my confidence that i can be the right person for him. for the last six years, i have made myself believe in our fairy tale. that this is going to be a happy ending for both of us. but now i think... there are no fairytales afterall.
some of the things i wrote here are excerpts of the things i told him during our chat yesterday. im so sad.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Saturday, June 04, 2005
I am so much stronger now
I have been reading my old blogs since last night. I even stayed up late just because i was so amazed at how my life has gone through the past years. Ive been blogging since 2003 and will almost be two years in a few more months. This blog has remained secret from my old friends, boyfriends and exes. I dont want them to read what I have written here nor do I want to end up censoring the things that I would like to write in the future. But then something in me wants to tell about this blog to the architect. He's been asking me the other week if I have my own blog and I told him that I dont have one. I dont know. Maybe in time I will tell him about this blog. Maybe when the time comes that we can just laugh at all the insane events that happened to both of us.
It's a saturday. Im stuck at home because it's raining outside and im too lazy to go out today. I'll probably play dotA the whole day. And of course, im not yet done reading the rest of my old blogs. Im still trying to gauge how much stuff should not be here so that the architect can see my blog without feeling bad against me. As far as i have read, i think about 50% of my blog should be sensored. Oh no! Seems that it's a bad idea to tell him about this blog. Haha.
At this very moment, he's in Ormoc talking to his ex named jen. The architect has always reassured me that he doesnt feel anything anymore towards jen. He constatly reminded me that it's me who solely owns his heart right now. Maybe you're wondering how they ended up together in ormoc... ok ill tell you the details. The architect's company is hosting a fund raising event and it's going to be a Gary V concert in Ormoc. It so happened that he also has this events organizing company which is headed by his cousin louise. Louise got the team of jen to work on the said project. Even if the architect went violently against the idea of putting jen on the project, louise's decision still remained. it was unprofessional of the architect if he would still insist on removing jen just because of his personal reasons. Anyways, so they have an ocular visit to the venue, which is ormoc. the event's team and the architect together with his kids went to ormoc. And then since he has a big resthouse and farm there, he let his staff and team stay in his house. and now jen sent an sms to him asking him if they could talk. oh well, what can i do? im just a girlfriend and not a wife. hayy...
honestly, im really boiling with jealousy. I just hate it when this green-eyed monster haunts me. Grrrrrr....
Im just listening to my mp3's so i can at least forget that theyre still talking. I really hate this feeling. Im like a paranoid freak. Maybe ill just play warcraft to get my mind off of this topic.
It's a saturday. Im stuck at home because it's raining outside and im too lazy to go out today. I'll probably play dotA the whole day. And of course, im not yet done reading the rest of my old blogs. Im still trying to gauge how much stuff should not be here so that the architect can see my blog without feeling bad against me. As far as i have read, i think about 50% of my blog should be sensored. Oh no! Seems that it's a bad idea to tell him about this blog. Haha.
At this very moment, he's in Ormoc talking to his ex named jen. The architect has always reassured me that he doesnt feel anything anymore towards jen. He constatly reminded me that it's me who solely owns his heart right now. Maybe you're wondering how they ended up together in ormoc... ok ill tell you the details. The architect's company is hosting a fund raising event and it's going to be a Gary V concert in Ormoc. It so happened that he also has this events organizing company which is headed by his cousin louise. Louise got the team of jen to work on the said project. Even if the architect went violently against the idea of putting jen on the project, louise's decision still remained. it was unprofessional of the architect if he would still insist on removing jen just because of his personal reasons. Anyways, so they have an ocular visit to the venue, which is ormoc. the event's team and the architect together with his kids went to ormoc. And then since he has a big resthouse and farm there, he let his staff and team stay in his house. and now jen sent an sms to him asking him if they could talk. oh well, what can i do? im just a girlfriend and not a wife. hayy...
honestly, im really boiling with jealousy. I just hate it when this green-eyed monster haunts me. Grrrrrr....
Im just listening to my mp3's so i can at least forget that theyre still talking. I really hate this feeling. Im like a paranoid freak. Maybe ill just play warcraft to get my mind off of this topic.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Reality 101
The architect and I have been talking almost everyday. He makes it a point to go online or to send sms to me. I do appreciate his efforts. the past days he's really been very sweet to me. I think we enjoy so much talking to each other that even if we have 5hours time difference, he ends up not sleeping just because we've been talking the whole night.
I found out that last year, he had a girlfriend. A girl named jennifer. Ok im starting to hate that name. Hahaha. Anyway, the girl broke up with him without giving any valid reason. I can feel he's still mad at her because he's been trying to avoid her. At least the architect was honest enough to tell me the details of what happened to them. Actually, I was the one who asked. Ive been asking him too many questions to the point of him being too honest with me and I end up getting hurt about the information I get. Stupid me! But then Id rather know the truth which can hurt me than forever be in the dark and surrounded by too many unknowns.
Anyway, our long talks were really informative on both sides. He's been asking too much questions about HH, ive been asking too much questions about his ex's... ex-gf's and ex-wife.
Last wednesday night in cebu, the architect and I were talking almost the whole day. His bestfriend, Marco... yes the Marco, arrived in his office. He said that his friends went there because they were betting on whose car will his gorgeous assistant will ride. Hahaha. These guys are really chickboys! I even got the chance to chat through sms with marco. He told me that he's happy that his friend, the architect, has someone to take care of him. He told me to take good care of the architect because he's had too much heartaches already. (as if he's never caused me heartaches huh?!) And that I should make the architect happy. Hmmm.. that will be hard to do! Anyway, the point is, seemed like marco has changed. Well at least he did not fight with me and annoy me just like the old times. But the architect said that marco's still the same... bully as ever. Hahaha. Im just touched that after all these years, he still knows me and he entrusted his bestfriend to me.
Work has been doing great. Finished most of the tasks we're supposed to. Ricky, my Austrian PM who looks like ricky martin, told us that we really earned our weekend. Wooohooo!
HH and I are doing fine too. We have been talking everyday.... as always! Never failed! And then he's busy with his cooking school classes.
For the record, Im not making any decisions on who to choose at the moment. I dont want to rush things. I love them both. I love someone more but then I am not sure if he's the right one to spend the rest of my life with. So still, im not making any choice. I just live each day as it pass. Enjoy each moment I spend with each one of them. Who knows... maybe i can make a decision before I get back to manila end of july?!?
Yes... im just living my life.
I found out that last year, he had a girlfriend. A girl named jennifer. Ok im starting to hate that name. Hahaha. Anyway, the girl broke up with him without giving any valid reason. I can feel he's still mad at her because he's been trying to avoid her. At least the architect was honest enough to tell me the details of what happened to them. Actually, I was the one who asked. Ive been asking him too many questions to the point of him being too honest with me and I end up getting hurt about the information I get. Stupid me! But then Id rather know the truth which can hurt me than forever be in the dark and surrounded by too many unknowns.
Anyway, our long talks were really informative on both sides. He's been asking too much questions about HH, ive been asking too much questions about his ex's... ex-gf's and ex-wife.
Last wednesday night in cebu, the architect and I were talking almost the whole day. His bestfriend, Marco... yes the Marco, arrived in his office. He said that his friends went there because they were betting on whose car will his gorgeous assistant will ride. Hahaha. These guys are really chickboys! I even got the chance to chat through sms with marco. He told me that he's happy that his friend, the architect, has someone to take care of him. He told me to take good care of the architect because he's had too much heartaches already. (as if he's never caused me heartaches huh?!) And that I should make the architect happy. Hmmm.. that will be hard to do! Anyway, the point is, seemed like marco has changed. Well at least he did not fight with me and annoy me just like the old times. But the architect said that marco's still the same... bully as ever. Hahaha. Im just touched that after all these years, he still knows me and he entrusted his bestfriend to me.
Work has been doing great. Finished most of the tasks we're supposed to. Ricky, my Austrian PM who looks like ricky martin, told us that we really earned our weekend. Wooohooo!
HH and I are doing fine too. We have been talking everyday.... as always! Never failed! And then he's busy with his cooking school classes.
For the record, Im not making any decisions on who to choose at the moment. I dont want to rush things. I love them both. I love someone more but then I am not sure if he's the right one to spend the rest of my life with. So still, im not making any choice. I just live each day as it pass. Enjoy each moment I spend with each one of them. Who knows... maybe i can make a decision before I get back to manila end of july?!?
Yes... im just living my life.
Inspiring quotes from Sex and the City...
Got this from another blog. I love SATC so much.
1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.
11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship--take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
23. If he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
24. Be honest and upfront.
25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.
26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).
27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.
29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.
31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!
34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.
36. Actions speak louder than words.
37. Never let a man define who you are.
38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
39. Never borrow someone else's man.
40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be w! ith him.
42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.
43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1person in your life.
44. Love is a verb ...
45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable - available, someone ungiving - giving, and someone unloving - loving.
46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
47. All men are NOT dogs.
48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
49. If you don't love yourself...you can't love anyone else.
50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.
51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complementary...not supplementary.
53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.
55. Never become your man's "therapist".
56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it - but it takes two to make it work.
58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.
59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.
60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you, you can’t force a man to hang out with you.
61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.
62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
63. Never move into his mother's house.
64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.
65. Never co-sign for a man.
66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.
67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.
68. Never let a man mess up your credit.
69. When it's time to let go; let go.
70. Good men should be treated like good men.
71. Don't play games.
72. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
73. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.
75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts.
1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.
11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship--take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
23. If he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
24. Be honest and upfront.
25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.
26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).
27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.
29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.
31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!
34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.
36. Actions speak louder than words.
37. Never let a man define who you are.
38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
39. Never borrow someone else's man.
40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be w! ith him.
42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.
43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1person in your life.
44. Love is a verb ...
45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable - available, someone ungiving - giving, and someone unloving - loving.
46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
47. All men are NOT dogs.
48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
49. If you don't love yourself...you can't love anyone else.
50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.
51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complementary...not supplementary.
53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.
55. Never become your man's "therapist".
56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it - but it takes two to make it work.
58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.
59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.
60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you, you can’t force a man to hang out with you.
61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.
62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
63. Never move into his mother's house.
64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.
65. Never co-sign for a man.
66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.
67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.
68. Never let a man mess up your credit.
69. When it's time to let go; let go.
70. Good men should be treated like good men.
71. Don't play games.
72. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
73. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.
75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts.
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